Barbservations From a Death Cafe

As I have noted previously, I volunteer as a room host for the same non-profit educational foundation that I am a paid instructor for. As a result, I get to learn a lot of interesting things for free. I recently attended a Death Café class as a volunteer (and observer). Below are my key take-aways:

Death Café Definition- A Death Café is a welcoming, group-directed conversation where people gather to discuss death, dying, and end-of-life experiences in a safe, respectful environment. It is NOT a grief support group or counseling session but, rather, an opportunity to share thoughts, ask questions, and engage in meaningful dialogue. A local hospice agency facilitated the group.

 

Death Café Movement- This program was definitely not unique to the Florida city where I live. The Death Café movement began in Switzerland in 2004 and later expanded internationally, encouraging open conversations about mortality and helping people make the most of their lives. People enjoy free refreshments as they talk about death and dying in a relaxed environment.

 

Range of Emotions- After an initial full group conversation, the16 attendees were divided into two smaller groups of eight. Over the course of 90 minutes, I observed both hearty laughter and heavy sobbing (men and women alike!) as people shared stories about themselves, their loved ones, and their greatest joys and fears. There were no lectures but, instead, totally authentic sharing among people who were strangers. The biggest financial fear that I heard expressed was running out of money during their remaining lifetime, which echoes findings from many older adult surveys.

 

Thought-Provoking Questions- The initial full group conversation started out with three questions: How old do you want to be when you die? How far are you from that age? and What are you planning to do in between? (i.e., what is on your “bucket list?”).  I was amazed that a handful of  people said things like “ I don’t have a bucket list,” “I’ve done everything I want to do,” and I’m OK if it (death) happens tonight.” I erroneously assumed that everyone has some unfinished business on a “to do” list but apparently not so. Instead, I noticed a sense of calm about facing the end of life.

 

More Pointed Questions- In the small groups, people were given large index cards with questions like “Who is your support system?” and “When you die, do you want to be alone or with others?” and “You have one week to live: what concerns do you have?” and “Who was the first person who you saw die and how did you feel?” and “How much end-of life medical treatment do you want?

 

Wide Range of Topics- As a volunteer, I was seated close enough to the two groups to follow their conversations. Among the topics that came up were probating a will, dying without a will, finding an attorney, regrets about not being able to go back to talk with ancestors, several “I wish I’s…”, estranged relationships, fear of an extended need for long-term care, suicide and assisted suicide, and the difficulty of holding end-of-life conversations with loved ones.

 

To summarize, the experience of watching an in-person Death Café in action was enlightening and provided lots of insights to write this post and to prepare future personal finance classes. There are also virtual Death Cafes that are held on Zoom and hosted by various facilitators worldwide.

 

This post provides general personal finance or consumer decision-making information and does not address all the variables that apply to an individual’s unique situation. It does not endorse specific products or services and should not be construed as legal or financial advice. If professional assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought.